It’s hard to have non-ordinary emotions when you’re in a long-term relationship. By non-ordinary, I mean emotions that everyone has, but perhaps you don’t ordinarily roll around in them like a dog in horse poo. We’re all occasionally mad, sad, and glad, but if our partners aren’t normally accustomed to seeing us in a particular mode, it sends off all kinds of alarm bells and makes everyone uncomfortable.
For example, everyone on the planet is allowed to occasionally have a day when they’re just pissed off about everything and nothing. It happens to all of us. You wake up grumpy and everything just goes down hill from there, until you finally crawl back into bed and hope tomorrow is better, which it usually is.
But I’m not normally a sad person. The Boyfriend is not accustomed to seeing me sad, and if he does, he immediately feels the need to collect more information about that sadness and help me process it, or cheer me up, or tell me not to be sad. Some days you’re just sad, about life, the universe, and everything. And some days you want to just lay down in the sadness and roll around in it and be a little and maybe work yourself up to a good cry, or at very least make plans for your next good cry, and the sadness makes you angry because of all the things you’re currently sad about and now The Boyfriend is worried you’re angry at him when you are not, you’re just pissed off at the universe in general.
Because like attracts like, you start off pissed off about one thing, then another thing pisses you off also, then another, and by the end of the day you’re trying to take slow, deep breaths just to keep your head from exploding, but you’re really too pissed off the meditate and let that help you so you’re pissed off at yourself because you won’t take 10 minutes to meditate when you know that will make you feel better.
So for me, feeling generally sad and feeling angry about feeling sad is a non-ordinary emotional state. Part of me wants to just jump in the car and go any freaking place and be the way I feel for awhile and hopefully get it out of my system. Part of me wants me to just please knock off the unnecessary and irritating drama and relax and chill the hell out. And eventually I will do one or the other, most likely the other, since I’m basically too lazy to jump in the car and go anywhere once Jeopardy has gone off the air for the evening. I’ll process some of it out of my system (by typing about nothing) and then I’ll finally put my headphones in and meditate for 10 minutes to some little bird and water and stream meditations I bought online the other day for just such emergencies. And then I’ll feel better. And then I’ll go to bed later and sleep well and tomorrow will be a much better and brighter day.