My BFF Kathy Griffin

I loved it when my BFF Kathy Griffin won an Emmy or something and said “I don’t thank Jesus Christ because he had absolutely nothing to do with this” and everyone got all pissy and uptight at her.  I mean really, folks, have you ever actually seen her act?  There is not much Christianity involved.  Lots of gays and lots of celebrity dirt and lots of fun stuff but not much Jesus.  In fact, Kathy once told me the only Jesus she really ever felt close to was an illegal Mexican immigrant who used to mow her lawn and she had a brief 3-minute fling with once and then felt she had no choice but to fire him.  Because he only lasted 3 minutes, you see….

Kathy gets really weird about the strangest things, like the fact that nobody seems to know if her last name is Griffin or Griffith and she gets introduced as both and even I can’t remember so I just introduce her as “my fabulous friend Kathy with a K“.  I can tell you about her plastic surgery, and her dogs, and her house, and her friends, but I can’t tell you with any certainty her last name.  Because, obviously, she doesn’t have a penis.  I can spell Anderson Cooper backwards and forward, but Kathy doesn’t have that essential extra flesh that makes you remember her last name.  Though admittedly, both Kathy and I have probably remained friends for as long as we have simply because we both want to f**k Anderson Cooper.  I want to top him, she wants to bottom him, but we both agree f**king him would be a life altering experience. 

Madonna, of course, claims she has actually strapped on a big ass dildo and topped Anderson Cooper, but neither Kathy nor I really believe her.  She claims the same thing about Dennis Rodman, and let’s get real, Dennis Rodman is not afraid to go much of anywhere or do anything but it’s pretty much common knowledge that his asshole is off limits.  In fact, rumor has it Dennis Rodman won’t even touch his own asshole.  He uses a bidet.  Then he has some illegal Mexican immigrant blow it dry with a small fan, so that nobody ever actually touches his asshole, ever.  Oddly enough, and this is really ironic, Dennis’ illegal Mexican is Kathy’s Jesus who she fired because he could only go three minutes.

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