That Slug Guy at Work

Everyone knows That Slug Guy at work. The guy who does just enough to keep from getting fired but just barely. He works the system to his advantage and his advantage only.

Nobody really likes him, but nobody really dislikes him either. Everyone just tolerates him.
So what if he died on the crapper at work? Some statistics that I read somewhere but don’t care enough to look up right now say that a surprising number of people die of heart attacks or aneurysms while pushing too hard on their constipated bowels. So what if That Slug Guy wandered off to the bathroom again for the 14th time today and never came back? Would anyone notice? His boss is so used to him disappearing for unscheduled breaks to take a smoke or go to the bathroom or get a soda or talk to anyone who will talk to him that his boss will be irritated but may not realize he hasn’t been back to his cubicle for a while. The folks in the cubicles around him dislike him because he plays bad 70’s classic rock music too loud and smells like cheap cigarettes and gets away with all this stupid shit when they themselves are model employees and they resent the hell out of him and any time he spends away from his desk is okay by them. So long as the office has more than one stall in the men’s room, nobody is going to notice that one stall has been occupied for an extended period of time, and if they do see the same pair of shoes peeking out from under the door, they know That Slug Guy goes in there all the time and reads the fucking newspaper and magazines and even hardback books, so it’s not unusual therefore not noticed. After a week or so, when he starts to smell, well, That Slug Guy always smells up the men’s room.
He doesn’t have a wife or a girlfriend. He doesn’t speak to his family. He lives alone and nobody notices his absence. If, at work, it is realized that he isn’t at his desk, they just assume he stayed home and “forgot” to call in sick because he always “forgets” to call in sick, and he’s on warning for that and after X number of days he’ll be fired for not showing up or calling in but jeezus he could be fired a long time before anyone ever finds his dead body in the bathroom.
It’s the ultimate American nightmare — to die, and nobody notices.

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