Set the treadmill to 6 miles per hour. Plug in the iPod Shuffle. Three minutes of some Justin Bieber remix followed by seven minutes of some Pet Shop Boys remix. Stop, breathe deeply, don’t pass out. Drink a large glass of water. Repeat daily, or at least once or twice a week. This should help keep your heart beating, but will do little to reduce the love handles you’ve developed. It will also help keep your ass from falling completely off, but will do little to bubble it out like when you were 20.
Of note: Straight boy and occasionally vaguely homophobic Justin Bieber only goes 3 minutes while the older, gayer Pet Shop Boys go for a full 7. Says something for the staying power of old gay farts. And Justin needs assistance from some rap star to even go that long.
Of more note: There’s a ton of intro before the Pet Shop Boys even get started, and a lot of repetition once they finally do. It can get a tad monotonous.