How To Stop Drunk Driving In America

It’s pretty horrifying how many non-violent criminals are clogging our prison system, most of them for trying to catch a buzz; because trying to get any criminal action taken against a drunk driver is nearly impossible, and everyone knows a drunk driver is 1000x more dangerous to himself and humanity than some poor college kid getting stoned in his dorm room. 

So let’s all agree to re-write the laws, effective immediately.  As of Right This Very Minute, anyone arrested for driving while under the influence of drugs or booze is guilty of Attempted Murder, because really, you’re pretty much trying to kill someone innocent if you’re so f**king stupid that you think you can safely drive drunk.  So, Drunk Driving, First Offence, Attempted Murder. 

If you’re driving drunk and you actually have or cause a motor vehicle accident, Manslaughter. 

If you’re driving drunk and you actually cause the death of someone else, Instant Death Sentence, with no rights of appeal. 

We have to be fair, so if you’re buzzed on any drug, pot or prescription drugs or home-cooked meth, you’re subject to the charges as listed above.  But the same charges apply to one too many glasses of wine before leaving the house to pick up your kids at school, or seven too many beers while out partying with your friends.  If you’re under the influence, you’re busted.  Period.  No arguments.

If you’re driving under the influence and you have any children under the age of 18 in the vehicle with you, we Behead your stupid ass.  Chop Chop. 

In the comfort and privacy of your own home, nobody really cares what the f**k you do, so long as all parties involved are of legal and consenting age, and so long as you’re not creating a dangerous situation for your friends and neighbors (like cooking meth you dumb ass).  I don’t care if you shoot heroin, so long as you’re not endangering anyone else. 

But when you get behind the wheel high on anything, you’re suddenly f**king with My Life, and My Family, and My Happiness, and you’re no longer allowed to do that, now that we’ve all agreed to these new laws.  I won’t infringe on your rights, but you sure as hell need to stop infringing on mine, you stupid ass-wipe.

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