So I was at Zooey Deschanel’s place last night for her New Girl season premier party, and it was pretty awful. She always gets overwhelmed when she’s hosting a crowd and by the end of the show she was in the bathroom sitting on the toilet, peeing and crying. She always does that. It never fails, if you’re at Zooey’s place and you need to pee, she’ll probably be in there peeing and crying. Since I’m her great friend, I just march on in and pee in the sink and try to comfort her.
She was all bent because the entire supporting cast was in pretty excellent form for the season premier but she short of just wandered through. She doesn’t do well when she’s not the center of attention.
“Zooey,” says I, “the problem is all that damn hair you have. The whole premise of the show is basically Snow White And The Three Stooges, and you don’t look like Snow White with that great mass of follicle, you look like Loretta Lynn.”
At this point, the television is showing the other season premier “The Mindy Project”. Yes, Zooey is one of those people who actually has multiple televisions in the freaking bathroom. They’re always on, day or night.
“Look at Mindy Kaling,” says I. “She chopped off her hair and Look how her eyes pop and Look how her cheekbones pop and Look how great she Looks. She looks young and hip and important and self-confident. That’s what you need. Let’s cut your damn hair.” And I immediately start rummaging in the medicine cabinet for scissors. I find an amazing array of prescription medications, but I have to resort to toenail clippers to take care of those great hanks of hair, and I fear they will not be up to the task.
At that point her manager stormed in and threw me out for making Zooey cry about her hair. I mean seriously, I was only trying to Help. And she did sort of look like Coal Miners Daughter.
So on the way home I call Mindy to ask if she really cut her hair or if that’s just a wig, and Mindy get’s really pissy about her hair. “Of COURSE it’s not a wig. Do you think I could get all that hair stuffed under a wig this small?”
If I were a woman, I’d wear wigs all the freaking time. It’s the same effect as feed corn hats for men in Kentucky – you just pop one on top and you look masculine no matter what. Which is what I tell Mindy, at which point Mindy gets even more pissy because she thinks I’m saying her new haircut makes her look masculine, which is not what I’m saying at all, but with Mindy its all about Mindy. I mean, have you Seen Mindy? She puts the V in Voluptuous for an entire generation of young women. But now it’s too late and she’s pissed off and Zooey’s pissed off, so I just give it up for the night and go home.