Mindy Kaling’s Bed

So Mindy Kaling wouldn’t return my calls all day yesterday because she thought she was still pissed at me for saying her new haircut was masculine.  I Did Not say her haircut was masculine; she was simply unfamiliar with a cultural reference I made to Appalachian Men and Feed Corn Hats, so she didn’t get my point.  In any case, she typically gives up that 6th grade girl bullshit after about 24 hours, so I called her this morning and we started right in as if nothing had happened to piss her off.

“James Franco”, says I.  “How the hell did you con HIM into guesting on the show?”  And she immediately starts in with the press release blah blah blah and I tell her she’s full of shit.  “Are you screwing him?” asks I.  And she starts sputtering like a leaky valve so I know something good is up. 

“You’ve tried, but haven’t yet, am I right?”

Sputter sputter sputter.

“Oh My God.  Is He The One To Share Your Bed?” asks I, and she is so embarrassed she hangs up the phone. 

This deserves some explanation: Mindy Kaling has the most amazing bed you have ever imagined in your wildest dreams.  Mindy Kaling’s bed makes Liberace’s bed look like Billy Graham’s bed.  Mindy Kaling’s bed is huge, and ornate, with canopies and tapestries and gold leafing and freaking turrets and wind chimes.  You seriously cannot image Mindy Kaling’s bed.  She buys antique French and Italian linen sheets and has them cut up and sewn back together in super-more-than-California-King size.  Her bedspread is hand-woven organic silk.  There are enough pillows to sleep the entire Jolie-Pitt clan.  There are live peacocks wandering around. 

So Mindy won’t let anyone f**k in her bed.  Not until she meets “the one who is worthy”, as if such a creature exists.  Mindy is a serial monogamist, but she gets around, and she makes her multitudes of white boys have their fun with her in the guest bedroom.  None of them ever know that they’re just place holders, and the real world is just on the other side of the wall. 

So if I ask Mindy if James Franco is “the one to share her bed” and she gets so goofy she hangs up, it means she’s pretty fixated.  He obviously is not responding to her feminine wiles, and that always freaks her out.  I try to tell her, some guys just like skinny girls with no self-confidence, but of course, those are the ones she always wants.  So it will be interesting to see how many episodes James Franco makes before she gets pissed off and fires his fine ass.   

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