So I called up my dear friend Zooey Deschanel to see if she was still pissed off at me for trying to cut her hair last week, but I figured by now she had totally forgotten, and she had, because Zooey seriously has No short-term memory At All (but by god she can quote verbatim each and every line of dialogue she had in “Elf” and every other movie she has ever made)(but she won’t if you ask her)(but she can if she’s high enough and you randomly feed her a queue and then you can’t get her to stop until the final credits roll).
“Zooey”, says I, “I am SO sorry you sucked so badly tonight in your second episode of the season while your supporting cast glittered like diamonds all around you, but I think I’ve figured out the problem: You have built an entire and very impressive career playing the Really Cute Girl who realizes and slowly admits ‘Hey, I Think I Sort Of Like You A Lot’, and you are Amazing as that Really Cute Girl. The problem is, on the show, your stupid writers have zoomed you ahead to ‘Hey, I Think I Love You And We Already Live Together, Isn’t That Convenient?’ and you absolutely Do Not Know how to play that girl, and maybe you shouldn’t be trying right now on the tail end of a difficult break-up with your boyfriend anyway.”
“But at least,” I added, “you took my advice on some small level and made them un-bouf your hair some and put your fake eyelashes back on and you looked much better than in the season premiere.”
And Zooey says “What The Hell Do You Mean I Sucked So Badly Tonight?” and then she screams “ASSHOLE!” and hangs up the phone in my ear.
Being friends with girls is difficult, sometimes.