That Poor Guy Wrapping Presents

Many years back, when I was newly sober, I decided I needed to reconnect with the real world and I needed to start making my way and contributing something to society, and I needed cash desperately, so I took a holiday job as a Christmas Present Wrapper. You know, the dude behind the counter who wraps your holiday presents for you when you’re too goddamn lazy to do it yourself.

Since I was living in the middle of nowhere, Kentucky, I took a position with a very minor department store that is no longer in existence. The wrapping service they offered was limited, but an amazing number of bitches do not care what it looks like so long as it’s wrapped and they don’t have to do it themselves.

So this old gal comes up to me and thrusts a sweater in my hands for me to wrap. I gently place the sweater in a sweater box, lovingly enveloping said sweater in white tissue paper. “Would you like the red paper or the green paper?” asks I. “Don’t you have anything else?” says she. “No,” says I, “we only offer red paper or green paper.” So she sniffs and snorts around but finally decides she wants the red paper. I wrap her present in the red, and then ask “would you like the red ribbon, or the green ribbon, or the gold ribbon?”

Dear god she made me Lay all the ribbons over the box so she could see, and then proceeded to bitch about all of them: “The Red Clashes, The Green Is Too Contrast-ey, The Gold Looks Cheap and Tacky.” One bites ones tongue, especially in responding to the Cheap and Tacky comment, considering what she was wearing, not to mention the awful sweater in the box we were trying to wrap.

She decides on No Ribbon Just A Bow. But she still doesn’t like the colors, so she decides she wants both the green bow and the gold bow, so the two of them will hopefully offset the dullness of the plain red wrapped package. And I have to tell her “I’m sorry, but we can only offer you one bow, not two. Which one would you prefer?” And she goes all ape-shit on me and starts screaming for the manager until he finally comes and calms her down by letting her have the two goddamn bows and she leaves and I quit and that was the beginning of my career in customer service.

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