Carrie Underwood as Maria

I will not be watching Carrie Underwood attempting to portray Maria on the live television production of The Sound Of Music tonight because (a) I don’t care, and (b) the girl won’t even commit enough to cut her damn hair. She’s doing these little Swiss Miss braids on top of her head thing, which is not what nuns do or did back then, they Cut Their Damn Hair to give themselves to God and help remove the sin of vanity and pride, or something like that, but They Cut Their Hair.

Carrie has the eyes and the cheekbones to look absolutely amazing with those great hanks of country western music star hair chopped away. And if you’re going to be a controversial choice, at least commit to the part. Damn Girl.

The really great part is Audra McDonald playing Mother Superior, because we all know exactly how many black nuns there were running the nunneries back then, which is zero. But I’m all about color-blind casting, and seriously, Audra was the only performance on the Lighting Of The Christmas Tree last night that was even vaguely worthy, and she knocked it out of the ballpark to the point little girls who don’t know who the hell she is or what she’s singing were crying and screaming and applauding and shifting their role model expectations up several levels. Audra will embarrass all the white folks tonight, and good for her. And I guarantee you, if She was playing Maria, she’d cut her damn hair.

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