Resolutions 2014

It’s almost New Year’s Eve, so I guess it’s time to play “What Stupid New Year’s Resolutions Can I Come Up With That I Won’t Stick With For More Than A Month?”

In 2014, I will:

  • Exercise more (probably not happening).
  • Eat healthier food (I already eat an amazing amount of healthy food, if I eat any healthier I’ll either become a rabbit or a vegan).
  • Lose 10 pounds (the same 10 pounds I lost last year, and then gained back last month).
  • Be nicer to people (not happening).
  • Be more positive (I’m already a pessimistic optimist, give me a break).
  • Meditate more (possibly, maybe, I’ve been trying over the past several months to do exactly that in order to save my sanity, but I don’t feel enlightened yet, so we’ll see how it goes).
  • Care more about my appearance (F**k You, I’m 52 years old and I don’t HAVE to care about my appearance the way I did when I was a queer 18-year-old).
  • Find a good hairstylist and get a good haircut (F**k You, see prior).
  • Wear better clothes (F**k You, see prior).
  • Stop saying that I Hate the people I hate (why would I start lying about something so obvious and true?).
  • Make more friends (Bullshit, I have plenty of friends, I need to make more Money).
  • Make more money (working on that actively, and when the Universe opens that door, my ass is Running Through It).
  • Develop my Spirituality (oh jeez, forget that, I’m already so damn New Age that most of my friends and family think I’m a freaking flake, and besides, it’s Exhausting trying to explain to everyone how you can be Spiritual and not Religious).
  • Wank Off More (ok, that I can do).
  • Wank Off Others More (Interesting idea, we’ll see how that goes).
  • Eat More Cheese (I already eat way too much really decent cheese, but at 52 one starts admitting that a regular and thorough bowel movement makes life better and too much cheese interferes with that).
  • Eat More Fiber (Oh HELL No, I tried that with Chia Seeds this time last year and was absolutely horrified at the bulk of what was sliding out my ass each night. My colon was CLEAN, but there are limits).
  • Try to Be Here Now and not focus so much on the future or the past (Basic Meditation, Buddhism, New Age spirituality, this is not new and therefore does not count, it just seems to be my life quest).
  • Take a trip to Denver for some Legal Weed (that could happen and probably will sooner or later).
  • Dye My Hair some Interesting Color (Bullshit, I dyed my hair from the time I was 18 until I was in my 40s, and I’m too old for that crap, and I have really lovely silver hair anyway).
  • Stop Making Resolutions (Okay, I think I’m good with that one).
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