So I’m all excited because next week I have back-to-back interviews trying to hire yet another state government worker. It’s nothing simple. It’s nothing easy. I don’t get to hire my brother, or my best friend, contrary to what the average uninformed gossip in Kentucky or Ritchie Farmer may tell you. You jump through a million hoops just to get to the place where I am now, which is actually sitting down to interview people next week.
If you, by chance, are one of the lucky few who get to grace my office next week, meet my interview panel, and sit through a full one-hour interview for an entry-level job, please read and adhere to the following rules, if you want to have a chance in hell of being considered:
- Do not paint your fingernails some weird color. Pink or red is fine. Nothing else. Also, no decals, stripes, or special effects like glitter. Just regular fingernails is fine. If I’m noticing your fingernails, I’m not paying any attention at all to what you are saying.
- Same thing goes for hair. No strange colors or styles.
- And piercings. Take out your nose piercing, your eyebrow piercing, and your multiple facial piercings. You’re not applying for a job in a tattoo shop or as a rock and roll roadie.
- If I can see any of your tattoos, that particular one was a very bad choice.
- Take off your goddamn hat.
- Take off your goddamn sunglasses.
- Wear a jacket and tie, at least, guys.
- A skirt might be nice, girls. And definitely, no boobie. None. Nada.
- Answer the questions and then shut up. Don’t talk on and on and on just to hear yourself talk.
- Smell good. Take a bath. Use deodorant. Wash your hair. No cologne unless it’s expensive, and then just a little to show off but not enough to drown me or cause my hyper-allergic assistant to go into spasms.
- Brush your teeth, or at least don’t stop for a fast food burger on the way to your interview. Onion is onion is onion. One breath mint does not make it go away.
- Relax and try to appear confident. We’re here to talk about the one thing you know more about than anyone else in the room – you.
- We ask lots of questions about how you handled difficult situations. We want to hear you put a positive spin on how you handled it. Don’t blame. Don’t whine. Don’t tattle. We do not know you that well and seriously do not give that much of a f**k, but it will keep us from hiring you because we don’t want to work with you either.
- If I even think you may have had a tiny little drink or a tiny little toke or a tiny little pill before you walked in the door, you may as well go home. I’ve been in recovery for 20+ years and I know the signs, symptoms, and smells, and I’m not hiring your stupid ass until you get clean and sober. I do not give a flying shit what you do on your own time, but the interview is MY time, and I will not have you waste it.
- Be friendly. I’m not going to hire a grouch. I’m grouchy enough for the whole office, we don’t need another one.
- Do NOT tell me about your family, your church, your hobbies, etc. Some places say they care about your life outside of work, but they’re lying. I want to know how you’ll behave between the hours of 8:00 – 5:00 Monday through Friday.
- Don’t take extensive notes. I’m not going to grade you after the interview. I’m grading you NOW, during the interview. Pay attention to me and what I’m saying, not to the goddamn pad of paper in front of you.
You get one shot. If I like you, you’ve got a good chance at getting hired. If I like you but someone else has better qualifications, I have to hire the other person, per state personnel law, but I’ll sure as hell remember you if you apply for something else, and if I like you, you’ll keep getting interviews with me until we finally find the right place for you.
If you don’t get the job and you keep applying for other jobs with me and you don’t get interviews, I probably didn’t like you as much as you thought I did and you’d be better off applying at other agencies. But hey, there are hundreds of other state agencies. Just go find the garden where you can grow.