#1) You talk to God every day, because he Doesn’t Talk Back.
#2) You’re counting the days until you finally get to say “I can’t hire that gay guy because it’s against my religious principles”.
#3) Your wife knows that You are the Man of the House and She is the Housewife. The End. No Discussion. She cleans and takes care of the kids and does all that domestic stuff so you can focus on your career and bringing home a good salary to take care of your family. Even if she does have to work too, in order to pay the monthly mortgage, and she maybe makes a little bit more than you do.
#4) You’re married. You got married immediately after graduation from either high school or college. You’ve been married to the same woman your entire life, and even though you occasionally have fantasies about what it would be like to make love to a real woman instead of the cow your wife has become, God forgives you for those thoughts.
#5) You don’t work out. You don’t diet. You don’t pay much attention to how you look. Men don’t have to. We age and our Christian wives love us for who we are because they have to. They, meanwhile, are expected to keep themselves looking good, because God made us and your body is a temple to the Lord and you don’t feel bad at all when you tell her she could stand to lose a few pounds.
#6) You don’t know Anyone who is gay. Not even That Swish at work. Nobody in Your Christian World is gay. Because gay is an Abomination. Except maybe for that hot lesbian who works at the front desk reception.
#7) The Bible Says It, You Believe It. Because the Preacher Told You To. He is a Man Of God, and if he doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about then nobody does.
#8) You believe there are ATV’s in heaven. And 4-wheel-drive trucks. And snowmobiles. And lots of guns.
#9) You have never once in your entire life questioned anything you’ve been told by your church or your preacher. Never once. God gave us a brain, but he didn’t mean for us to think about things like that. And yes, God is a He. Girls can’t be God. It is impossible because they have that whole monthly cycle thing to deal with.