#1) Your wife is either passive/aggressive and overweight, or anorexic thin and shrew-ish, but in either case you haven’t had sex with her since your third child was born, and actually, you don’t clearly remember having sex to create your third child and it worries you sometimes that as he grows into his teen-age years, he looks more and more like the Jason the youth minister who was running the youth fellowship near the time your third child was born but suddenly felt God call him to go work for the Peace Corps in some foreign land.
#2) You can quote the single bible verse damning homosexuals to hell, but you can’t recite any of the Sermon on the Mount. Or the Psalms. Or even list the books of the New Testament. Or clearly explain the relationship between Jesus and Mary Magdalene.
#3) You go to church every Sunday morning, but you haven’t been to a PTA meeting in your entire life.
#4) You prefer golf.
#5) You feel uncomfortably guilty every time you notice your daughters breasts and legs and ass, but you don’t feel it’s your place, as the man of the house, to tell her to go put on some clothes that don’t make her look like a hooker, dammit. That’s her mother’s job.
#6) You’re willing to do Gods Good Work, occasionally helping those more unfortunate than you locally, by taking your shift ringing the Salvation Army bell outside of Wal-Mart during the holidays, but those damn foreigner heathens brought it on themselves and they can just pull themselves out of it.
#7) Your middle child spends most of his time locked in his room and you haven’t actually seen him or held a conversation with him since he was six years old, but you’re sure if he has any questions about the birds and the bees, he’ll come to you for those answers.
#8) You believe the Religious Rock music the youth group listens to at your church is modern music inspired by their love of God, rather than smart record label executives and some clever but mediocre musicians taking advantage of a cash cow.
#9) You’ve struggled with those uncomfortable feelings you feel when you watch the new youth minister playing basketball with the youth fellowship, but you feel certain you’ve conquered those sinful, lustful, hot, sweaty, erection-inducing thoughts.