So, I decided a few years ago, while on vacation from work for a week, that life was just too damn short to drink shitty coffee, because the coffee shop at work has possibly the worst coffee on the planet outside a rest-area vending machine. So for that week, I bought several bags of unground coffee beans from Starbucks, and pretty much ever since that’s what I drink, made at home, but still pretty rocking coffee compared to the watery John Conti bullshit served at most state government facilities.

However, I hate my local Starbucks. It’s too small, and there’s no parking, and there’s always a dozen cars parked there but when you go inside there are four people in line and two people sitting at tables using the free wireless internet for their laptops and you have to wonder Do They Eat Their Customers? Because the parking lot is full, but nobody is in there.

The other problem is that the people who are actually in there are nouveau riche Kentucky white trash, and they delight in tormenting the staff behind the counter and asking way too many questions considering the limited products they sell. On the weekends, people actually bring their kids in as a treat, and I’m like “hey do you realize this is caffeine mecca, and that’s really not a good thing for your three year old who is obviously bored and tired and doesn’t really want that farty little cookie you just forced him to choose”.

I’ve seen bitches tie up the line for 30 minutes, choosing just the right coffee drink for herself and just the right juice drink for her little girl and just the right cookie for the little boy and then she wants to pay in travelers checks or she only has a $100 dollar bill she needs them to break. Meanwhile, I’m standing politely in line behind her with three or four bags of coffee beans in my two hands, just wanting to throw them on the counter, pay electronically, and get the hell out. Her transaction takes 30 minutes and I spend more and my transaction takes 3 minutes, and the smile of the grateful counter help on the other side makes it worth it because it reinforces my personal belief that I am many things, but I, at least, am not a total and complete ass-wipe.

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