So Gwyneth Paltrow is divorcing Chris Martin because she found he was cheating on the road — eating junk food burgers instead of maintaining the strict vegan diet that Gwyneth has embraced so publicly. It’s very sad. I don’t think I can ever watch Glee again. Oh, wait, I stopped watching Glee when they got rid of Puck, because he was the only hot guy on the show, and if you have adults playing high school students, they should at least be extremely hot.
But at least one would hope that Gwyneth and Chris will be more civilized about it than Johnny Weir and his husband Victor Voronov, who will make great tabloid but unfortunately embrace everything awful about the current state of straight marriage, which is why most gay folks never even thought much about even wanting to get married until recently…. You want tabloid white-trash drama, you straight folks haven’t seen anything yet, just wait until Johnny and Victor get through milking their last 15 minutes of fame for all it’s worth….
I called up Johnny to try to get him to reconsider. “Johnny,” says I, “do you really understand what you’re losing here? Have you seen Victor naked?” And Johnny wailed “It’s not how he looks naked, it’s that he’s stopped caring how he looks dressed! Which is entirely untrue. One has to admit, Johnny and Victor are Extremely fashionably dressed, at any point of the day or night…. But Johnny has taken it to an entirely new level since the Olympics, and I guess poor little Victor just can’t show off his abs appropriately with all those layers of feathers and fur.
I asked Gwyneth if eating a junk food hamburger was really grounds for divorce, and she said “Are you kidding? Do you KNOW how much Yoplait pays me to be healthier than God?”