So I work in this retro 1970s building, and back when it was built, it was all about being convenient and modern, so instead of one large shit-a-torium per floor, there are zillions of tiny little restrooms scattered everywhere. The mens rooms typically have one stall and one urinal and one sink. Not much room, but then, not many men work in State Government because the pay is so shitty and most of us have to get real jobs to pay the bills rather than consider a career in public service.
So I’ve discovered that straight men have this Incredibly Weird Thing where when they’re shitting, and someone else comes in to pee, the guy shitting immediately tries to finish up and wipe and flush and zip and get out of that stall before you finish peeing, so they can beat you to the sink, but mostly, I think, to make sure you get to see who exactly created such an incredible stench.
And there you are, with your penis in hand, actually done but waiting for the other guy to get the hell out of the way so you can zip up and wash your hands and run out the door and inhale fresh air, but the guy from the stall makes this huge production of washing his hands like he’s a freaking surgeon or something, again, mostly, I think, to make sure you get to see who exactly created such an incredible stench.
Am I supposed to comment? “Hey, guy, what the f**k do you eat to make a smell that awful? Road kill?”
Whereas a gay guy would be so mortified to have such horrific smells come from his anus, he would stay locked in the stall until the intruder had pissed and washed his hands and combed his hair and brushed his teeth and finally left the room, and even then we’d be horribly nervous about walking out the door for fear he might be out there waiting to ask “Hey, guy, what the f**k do you eat to make a smell that awful?” And then we’d run straight to the emergency room for a prostate exam or at least an enema.