Meeting With Women

When you start at the bottom and work your way up the ladder in state government, you quickly learn that there is a true art form to meeting with women.  Most meetings will be run by and mostly attended by women.  That doesn’t mean they are well run or well attended, but you’re going to have to learn to make the most of it if you want to succeed in business without really trying. You’re there to impress, not to make any real contribution. Women don’t like men who contribute. They see it as a sign of weakness.

It starts with your morning shower.  Shampoo and Soap.  Clean, fresh, but nothing overpowering.  Preferrably with a strong but not overwhelming prescence of Vanilla, because the whole world knows vanilla gets women happy fast and you may as well take advantage of that fact so long as you’re not obvious and therefore rude about it.  Never Dial.  Never Head And Shoulders.  Never Irish Spring.  You can get away with Brut if you’re a straight guy, but we’ve upped the game for queer players and it gets technical.

As much hair and face product as necessary, but Always unscented and Always professionally applied.  No make-up beyond moisturizer.

No cologne that costs less than $50 a bottle.  And then just a little bit on your wrist OR your neck but not both.

The blue button-down, that brings out the brilliant blue of your eyes, because white implies leadership and is therefore threatening to women.

Tan or gray slacks.  Navy or black implies leadership and is therefore threatening to women.

Rock the shoes AND the socks.  You’re gay and they expect that of you.

Immediately before the meeting, insert a small piece of peppermint gum in your mouth.  One of those little chicklet things, not a real piece of gum.  The idea is to (a) freshen your breath, (b) keep you from getting dry mouth, (c) not noticeably be chewing gum which pisses off some older women, but (d) give yourself something to bite down hard on when the women running the meeting arrive late, immediately go off topic, rudely check their phones constantly throughout the meeting, go at least a half hour over the allotted meeting time, and accomplish absolutely nothing but wasting your time.

Do Not speak unless spoken to, unless you absolutely have to, and even then, keep it extremely brief.  Women are there to hear Themselves talk, not you.

Take extensive notes.  Not because you’re too stupid to remember what was said in the meeting, but because every single woman in the meeting will be attempting to out-note the others by writing down every f**king single word that was said.  After the meeting, toss the notes in the trash, because you’ll never be asked to refer to them ever again in your entire career.

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