Basic Office Etiquette:
- Wear headphones and keep your voice down. Nobody else wants to listen to your Retro New Wave Bullshit and nobody else wants to listen to you tell your doctor’s receptionist about your newest cramps.
- Wear real shoes. Sandals and flip-flops are not real shoes, I don’t give a damn what you paid for them. You may think that your feet don’t sweat or stink when you wear sandals or flip-flops, but I assure you, they do, and nobody else wants to smell your damn feet.
- Keep your damn decorating inside your cubicle. Do not decorate the outside of your cubicle walls. You may think the rest of us really want to see that adorable picture of your grandbaby every time we walk by, but honestly, the kid looks creepy and a little bit alien and we all wonder if there are going to be issues as he grows up. Your cheerful sayings, newspaper cartoons, and Serenity Prayer, do not inspire your coworkers, it just makes us feel sorry for you because you’re so lame.
- Don’t eat at your desk. Just don’t. I don’t care if you honestly don’t have time to step away for a half hour and have some quiet time by yourself. Bullshit. It just shows us that you can’t manage your time at all, and puts you on the bottom of the list for promotion. It also makes everyone around you hate you very much when you bring last night’s dinner leftovers, or sushi, or bacon, or pizza, or a f**king Big Mac. We don’t want to smell your goddamn lunch for the rest of the afternoon, especially if we’re only having a turkey sandwich from the vending machine.
- No air fresheners, or candles, or aromatherapy misters, or anything that stinks like girls. If you smell that bad, go home and take a bath. If you have to surround yourself with pretty smells to survive, put some decent cologne on your wrist and sniff at that occasionally. Or wear nose plugs. Your coworkers have just as much right to breathe as you do, and most of us prefer non-berry scented air.
- If you’re coughing and sneezing and hacking, just Go The Hell Home. We don’t want whatever the f**k you have. If it’s just allergies, for the love of all that is bright and good, Go Buy Some Goddamn Over The Counter Drugs. Better Living Through Chemistry. We Do Not Want To Hear You making noises that could lead to puking at any time, EVER.
- Dress your age, not your shoe size. If you think you’re hot enough to wear your daughter’s clothes, you honestly are very much NOT. If you think what you’re wearing is Cute, then you need to grow up and wear grown-up clothes to work. Save your Cute clothes for your desperate Friday and Saturday nights hanging out at some dive bar hoping some guy will get drunk enough to hit on you and he’s hoping you’ll get drunk enough to screw him.
- Cut your goddamn hair. Just do. It looks awful.
- If you need two purses and a tote bag and a plastic grocery bag just to carry your shit into work from your car, YOU’RE BRINGING TOO MUCH PERSONAL SHIT TO WORK.
- Honestly, nobody gives a shit about your personal life. We act like we do to be polite, but nobody does, so just shut up about it.
- If you can’t be on time, just turn the car around and go home. If you have some sick need to make an entrance at exactly 8:17 every morning, I promise you, nobody is impressed and nobody is applauding and your boss is plotting your replacement.
- If you spent as much time working as you do smoking or wandering around the office visiting your friends, we would have promoted you two years ago. As it is, your boss is plotting your replacement.
- If you treated your coworkers as coworkers instead of friends and enemies and possible love connections, then your coworkers would treat you with tons more respect. As it is, you just seem desperate for any human connection and your boss is plotting your replacement.
- Seriously, Your Boss Is Plotting Your Replacement. Why don’t you just go find something else somewhere else and save us all a lot of time a bother?