Basic Office Etiquette for Men
- Wear a shirt with a collar. You’re not going to play baseball, you’re going to Work.
- Wear a belt. Nobody wants to see your underwear or your ass crack.
- No Hats Indoors. Ever. It’s rude and disrespectful and makes you look like a dumbass.
- Cut off your damn ponytail. You look ridiculous.
- If you’re going to dye your hair, have a professional do it; nothing looks more pathetic than some guy who obviously uses the left over from his wife. Oh, and by the way, you’re both using about three shades too dark to look like anything god actually would grow on your head.
- If you think your weird old guy eyebrows and the hairs growing out your ears and nose give you some cool Gandalf vibe, you are absolutely incorrect.
- Shave your face, every day. Or grow a beard. Don’t do this scraggly in-between bullshit that indicates you don’t care enough to make up your mind on the ever important issue of facial hair.
- Do Not Cut Your Fingernails In The Office. But do keep them cut, it gets creepy looking when you let them grow out long.
- No belching, please.
- No farting, please, ever.
- Wear deodorant and anti-perspirant. Not either or, but both. On the same day at the same time.
- Wash your clothes frequently, please. As in, every f**king time you wear them. Especially your socks and underwear.
- Nobody gives a flying shit about your favorite sports team and how well they played last night or last week or last season, or how well they might play tonight or next week or next season. Shut the hell up about it.
- Your big truck with six tires takes up two parking spots and makes you look like a dumbass, not some hot stud.
- Do Not EVER Pick Your Goddamn Nose At Work. If you absolutely cannot free some snot boulder with a normal blow into Kleenex, then take it to the bathroom and lock yourself in a stall before you go digging. Nobody wants to see that.
- Flush the goddamn urinal when you’re done pissing in it. Flush the goddamn toilet when you’re done shitting in it. You goddamn heathen.