So I’ve decided to stop being such a curmudgeon and start acting more like a civil human being, even to people I don’t necessarily consider human beings. So today, I’m walking down the hallway at work, and this large woman is walking toward me, with a great deal of middle sticking out from underneath her saggy boobies, and she looks hot and tired and uncomfortable, and to make her feel better I smile and chirp “Congratulations! When is the baby due?” and she hauls back and knocks me right upside the head with her fist, hard enough to make me see stars and fall to the floor but not completely lose consciousness, and I hear her shrieking as she stomps away “I’M NOT PREGNANT, ASSHOLE!” so I decided f**k this friendly shit and just went back to being my normal self.

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