Kentucky Expected to Implode at Any Moment

So, this may just be the weekend when Kentucky completely implodes and finds itself cordoned off from the rest of the USA for safety reasons. After a fairly beautiful summer that unfortunately gave us one of the worst allergy seasons in history to the point where everyone everywhere has a sinus headache most of the time and folks are generally pretty cranky anyhow, after all this lushness and rain and green and pollen and mold, the temperatures suddenly shot up into the 90s, with rain throughout the days from Friday through Sunday, meaning it’s hotter than hell AND muggy AND humid, and people are not taking it very well.

I had two separate sweet elderly women at the grocery store nearly knock me down for no apparent reason except for the fact that I was standing there and have a penis. Nine out of ten drivers are either impaired by drugs or alcohol, or they’re just so pissed off they don’t give a shit and will happily knock you completely off the road for no real reason. I’m blaming it on the extreme heat combined with the extreme allergies, because I thought MY head was going to explode on Friday, so I broke down and bought decongestants, which for those of us in Kentucky who actually are NOT meth addicts often causes us to get very uptight and pissy or just plain loopy and stupid.

Any normal HVAC system cannot keep up, unless it is industrial strength, which is why I though I’d be safe inside a grocery store, but even though cold air reduces the pressure on MY sinuses, it also makes women in general even more pissed off than usual because even if they know they’re going somewhere where the air conditioner will be cranked up, like a grocery or a movie theater or a restaurant, they refuse to bring a sweater and instead bitch and moan the entire time, and make a great production of the fact that they happen to be cold indoors when they can just walk outdoors and be heat-stroked in moments, and they have the nerve to ask the waiter to turn down the air that is “blowing right on me” and you feel like shouting from the next table “REALLY? YOU’RE WEARING THE EQUIVALENT OF A F**KING BRA INTO AN EXPENSIVE RESTAURANT IN NINETY DEGREE HEAT AND YOUR POOR BOYFRIEND IS WEARING A JACKET AND TIE AND YOU WANT THEM TO ACCOMMODATE YOUR NEEDS?”

The thing is, that type of conversation always goes on inside people’s heads in Kentucky, because most of us irritate most of us, but I truly fear this will be the weekend that thoughts become actions and we’ll all wake up to road blocks if we want to leave the confines of the Commonwealth tomorrow, because its just not safe to let us out.

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