So, I have my Labor Day all planned out: First, I’m going to get in my car and drive directly to the gas station, where I will buy gas and cigarettes and a large slushy, mostly to show off to the poor schlub that’s working there that I’m somehow superior to him because he’s working on Labor Day and I’m not.
Next I’ll go to the mall, and annoy the salesgirls in Guess with a million really stupid questions about expensive girl clothes when I’m obviously a guy and then not buy anything, mostly to show off to the poor chicklet that’s working there that I’m somehow superior to her because she’s working on Labor Day and I’m not.
Then I’ll go to some chain restaurant like Applebee’s or Chili’s and I’ll ask the poor waitress a million really stupid questions about items that are not on the menu, and ask her to ask the bartender if he knows how to make a drink called “Snow Comes To The Florida Keys in August” and when he says he doesn’t, I’ll leave without buying anything, just to show her and him that I’m somehow superior to them because they’re working on Labor Day and I’m not.
I’ll get a pedicure with my manicure. I’ll ask for exactly two highlights in my hair and then be dissatisfied with them and make the stylist dye them back to match my normal hair for free. I’ll drive my piece-of-shit car to a dealership and pretend I’m in a bad position and really need to get a new car today, but I’m not sure exactly what I want, and make the salesman take me on four separate test drives and then tell him I’m just not sure and I’ll think about it but I want to look at other dealerships as well. I’ll go to the movies and talk and text on my cell phone the entire time, until some poor teenage usher has to come ask me to please stop, and then I’ll become very loud and obnoxious and demand to speak to her manager and demand my money back for a movie I wasn’t even watching in the first place. Finally, I’ll go to the grocery and buy something completely unnecessary, like capers or coconut flakes or floor wax, and I’ll stand in line and make someone check me out instead of using the self-service. I’m going to do everything I can to make a National Holiday the absolute worst it can possibly be for as many people as is absolutely possible.
Because I, who sit on my fat ass behind a desk all day, have a paid National Holiday, and they, who actually bust their asses working each and every day and often have several jobs just to pay the rent and feed their kids, are apparently deemed unworthy of a National Holiday by our society.
What a nation of ass-wipes we’ve become.