This Whole Awful Ponytail Thing

So, I’m completely boggled by this whole awful ponytail thing that women do and have been doing as a current fashion choice for several years now. Why?

Pulling all your hair straight back from your face is that thing they do for potential supermodels, to see if their face is really that symmetrical, and if their cheekbones are really that fierce, and if their eyes are really that blue, and if their nose is really that perfect. It’s the perfect way to verify beauty because it exposes everything and hides nothing. Which is a great look, if you happen to be a potential supermodel.

If you happen to be the typical average looking white woman who one sees wearing this awful ponytail thing, it doesn’t have quite the same effect. It shows off the fact that your eyes don’t quite match in side and shape and that your makeup is applied very badly. It shows off the fact that your eyebrows are over-plucked, and that your roots are already showing dramatically. It shows off your jowls and your pimples and your uneven skin tone and your cheap makeup that is already flaking off at 10:00 AM. It’s possibly the worst look most women could possibly choose to present themselves to the world.

If you happen to actually be a potential supermodel, living out here in the real world, why the hell don’t you just hack all that damn hair off? If you can pull off a pixie or a boy-cut, why not? Much easier, more dramatic, and calls the most attention to you and how fabulous you are.

If you’re not a potential supermodel, but you insist on growing all that hair that is far too long for someone your age, why the hell not just let it down and hide behind it, which is probably the best look for you? At very least, it justifies all that god-awful hair you’ve grown because someone complimented your long hair when you were 16 and now that you’re 46 you somehow don’t realize that said compliment no longer applies and in fact just makes you look a little desperate.

But the ponytail is the worst. My god, it should just be outlawed….

At least when guys wear ponytails, we realize how granola and stupid and desperate we look, but we are allowed by society to not give a shit. And if a woman is choosing not to give a shit no matter what society says, then hoorah and more power to her. But if she thinks it’s “cute”, she needs to take a few steps back and realize she’s too f**king old to be cute. Cute is for puppies and kittens, not fully realized, liberated, grown women.

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