So, being gay in the middle of Nowhere, Kentucky, one has to become something of a trend-setter, because who else is going to if I don’t? And, because there is no trend-setting fashion for men in Nowhere, Kentucky, and, in order not to be shot or stoned to death in public, one has to find a look that is outstanding but still somehow blends in.
Earlier this year, I started the “Straight Guy K-Mart Outfit Bought For Me By My Wife Who Has No Taste” look, and it was really a smashing success. The look consists of shirts and shorts that really don’t look quite right together, but look as though some wife with no taste thought they would look great together because the colors more or less match. We’re talking stripes with plaids, stripes with stripes, vertical stripes with horizontal stripes, red with another shade of clashing red, aqua with teal green, you get the picture. And then usually finished off with white socks and expensive sandals that look just like the cheap knock-offs you can buy at Wal-Mart.
This fall, I’m starting the “Old Fart Dressed Like His Grandchild” look, which consists of old guys with gray hair and a gut wearing a maroon shirt that has a red strip across it with green pants, striped socks, and a bright blue hoodie lined in orange. It Rocks! Or bright red pants with a blue and white striped shirt and yellow Converse High-tops. Or dirty Levi’s with a white t-shirt that says “Jesus Is My Superhero”.
My very favorite straight-guy dumb-ass old shit-head look is head-to-toe Kentucky Wildcats blue sweats and t-shirt and hat and socks and jock and everything, but that’s been done for years and isn’t really anything new.