The Opposite of a Charlie Brown Christmas Tree

So, having bionics replaced can slow down or modify or completely change some of your normal holiday traditions. For example: you really don’t feel comfortable stomping around for hours in a tree field trying to find the perfect tree that will fit in your car and your home after it has been dug up and root-balled so that you can also plant it in the yard after the holidays. Because that’s the kind of shit we normally do. This year, I figured we’d just go with a display of miniature holiday trees on a tabletop, or something tasteful like that, since one of my legs is still healing and I’m not tramping through any field, much less trying to wrestle the damn tree into the house and then decorate the damn thing.

So youngest step daughter is going to Lowe’s for something or another and her dad tells her “if you see any living trees, pick us up one” because Lowe’s briefly used to do that but hasn’t done that in the past five years or so because even through the live trees sold out almost immediately, apparently they weren’t as profitable as the balloon yard displays, so Lowe’s stopped doing that. But one always can hope.

Two days later, said youngest daughter shows up with this tremendous landscaping specimen that she’s gone to some damn tree farm and picked out and had them dig up and load into the back of her sisters SUV. And it’s beautiful. And it’s root ball is approximately 3 feet around, and the tree itself is approximately 9 feet, and it’s pretty much impossible to get this thing out of any vehicle once loaded in and even when finally pulled out the back hatch, what in the hell are you going to set a 3 foot root ball in to keep it moist and keep the tree itself upright, and exactly how tall does she think our ceiling is anyway?

Son-in-law shows up about an hour later, bleary-eyed from a long day at work, but ready to help the Boyfriend unload this monster, which they managed to do, and force it through the side door and into the house and across the living room and into a large horse bucket that still is way too small, but hey, it fits and it works and it’s upright and we now officially have the biggest damn Christmas tree we’ve ever had in this house, and it’s beautiful.

I have no idea how we’ll get it back outside, in a few weeks, and planted in the ground, but we don’t have to even think about that much for several weeks, so for now, I’m just enjoying an unexpected but very large and very festive tree.

It sure as hell beats the ugly plastic trees at Lowe’s. And this one will be planted in the yard somewhere, and be home for little birds who will build nests in it and lay eggs in it and have baby birds in it.

The dogs are fascinated, I think because they can’t reach high enough to pee on it.

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One Response to The Opposite of a Charlie Brown Christmas Tree

  1. Tom Janus says:

    The last line is priceless! 🙂

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