I absolutely cannot believe I am about to do this shit again: After three months of discomfort and slowly building muscle tissue back up over a new bionic part, finally getting to the place where I can take off my own goddamn sock without help, and I can drive again, and I can behave as a more or less normal human, tomorrow, I’m going to do it all again. To get the second bionic part replaced/installed. What The F**k Am I Thinking?
It must be that I had so much fun using a walker for weeks. Like an old person. And after that, a crutch. And not being able to sleep at night for the first month or so. And not being able to take a shower for the first 10 freaking days. And not being able to poop without massive infusions of kale or magnesium. All that really fun stuff that apparently some sick part of me misses so much that I’m going back for seconds.
Sure, I joke to everyone “two months off work, then three weeks of work, then two more months off work” and it sounds like heaven. And in some ways, it is. Work is way more annoying than most of realize, until we have two full months away from it and then go back and see absolutely nothing has been accomplished in your absence, because this is Kentucky State Government and really, we just don’t accomplish much very fast.
But it’s not fun. It’s UNCOMFORTABLE, dammit. But I suppose that’s why I’m doing it again. Because my old bionics haven’t been comfortable much hardly ever since I got them 26 years ago. They’ve allowed me to walk and lead a fairly normal life, but they also caused me pain and I couldn’t walk really very far and I couldn’t ride a bike or spread my legs very far apart.
So this is a second chance. The chance to do the exercises and keep working the muscles as they heal and stretch them and strengthen them and maybe even build up a nice ass again. Not that I want to run a marathon, but dammit, if it decide I Do want to, I can. Or I will.
And the chance to work my mind, in my down-time, my healing, my quiet time. To figure out what happens next. Or at least, the find the space to Allow what happens next to happen, and to embrace it and follow that path.
Becoming Angel isn’t just about the wings and the halo. The wings make you acutely aware of your body, and the halo insists you take that 90% of your brain that you don’t normally use and START USING IT DAMMIT.