I assumed I had my midlife crisis, like any good gay man, when I was 25 and finishing up once I hit 30. But lately, here in my early 50’s, I’m often taken aback at what may or may not actually be male menopause or a real and honest midlife crisis. One minute, I’m so blissed out and happy in my very existence within this specific moment that I can hardly contain my happiness; and then the next minute, I’m in agony and angst wondering how on earth I could have possibly spent the last 20+ years of my life working for state government and has my entire adulthood been a huge waste of time and space or have I actually accomplished something, anything, with some iota of meaning?
Through years and years of practice, I’ve become much better at “Being Here Now”, yet I often am torn as to whether I should be “Here” at all, given a deadly dull workplace micromanaged by too many layers of people reporting to other people so that nobody ever makes a decision and I feel useless because there are actually things I could be accomplishing but instead I just read Yahoo Headlines again because I’m waiting on permission that will probably never come. And seriously, at 50+, you sort of get a real attitude about asking permission from anyone for anything. I’m an adult, dammit. And yet I’m trying to just keep my sanity and hold my tongue long enough to retire in a few years, because dammit I’ve worked hard for it and I’ve earned it, but I often worry my head may explode before I ever get there….