Wally World On Sunday

Here in Nowhere, Kentucky, I tend to avoid trips to Wally World as much as I humanly can, because I basically hate the store and their personnel policies and the fact they’ve destroyed small town America, and the fact that here it is, Sunday morning, and I need freaking Milkbone Dog Biscuits for my dogs, and Wally World is the closest place to go so that I can return quickly before the dogs heads explode.

You have to wear special clothes for Wally World.  Dress clothes of any type are inappropriate.  Colorful pants are likely to have you recognized as “that old gay dude” and end with your car keyed or possibly a cross burning on your front lawn later tonight.  So you try to blend in, wearing all the awful clothes your mother has bought you over the years, usually from Wally World, that you keep in a special place for just those occasions when you actually have to visit that world.

Many people have no teeth at Wally World.  They sell guns and ammunition at Wally World.  Most the cars in the parking lot are oversize trucks or monster SUV’s that nobody on the planet needs but poor people think of as necessary, to make up for the fact they live in a trailer parked behind their mother’s house.  I saw a mother and daughter shopping for groceries together, each with their own Wally World Mega-Cart, walking down the aisles side by side with no acknowledgement of the fact that there might be people coming the other way or trying to get around them as they stopped to chat about nothing while completely blocking the aisles.  This and more is why I hate Wally World.

So today, to fight back, to take back some iota of power, I walked up to the mother and daughter and asked “Why aren’t you in church today, sisters?” and they both turned pale and quickly moved toward the check out aisles.  So I tried it again, with a hung-over looking couple who most likely don’t remember each other’s names but they hooked up last night and are both trying to get some Gatoraid in them to stop the shakes this morning.  “Why aren’t you young people in church today?”  And they turned pale and quickly moved away.

And so it went.  I asked dozens of people.  Not one of them turned the tables and asked me the same exact question.  They all, every one, looked guilty and ran.  Because this is Kentucky and this is Sunday and Church is where you Are all morning before Noon.

I’ve never enjoyed myself more at Wally World.

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