I am so much NOT a Straight Middle Aged White Guy.
I’m walking toward the building after lunch, and it’s raining, and there is nobody else coming in at the same time as me except my ex-boss Guy, but he’s moving across the parking lot pretty fast with his huge oversized blue and white UK Wildcats umbrella, so he catches up with me just about the time we reach the sidewalk. So now we have to converse. About, what else, the weather. And I say something about nearly unpacking my summer clothes yesterday, and he says he had on shorts and a t-shirt and was mowing his lawn yesterday afternoon. And I make some comment on getting an early start on lawn care. Oh No, he Had to mow yesterday because the grass was So Thick and if he hadn’t mowed yesterday, why who knows….
So I can sense he’s absolutely Dying for me to Please Ask Him about his Fertilizer, because why else would his fucking lawn be so thick on the last day of fucking March, and then he can tell me about how his fertilizer Also Kills Weeds or maybe he makes it himself using Dish Soap and Beer and Sawdust or maybe he can claim he doesn’t Use Any fertilizer but that his holy garden grows thick and early because he’s a Straight White Middle Aged Guy just like his dad and his dads dad and maybe then we can move on from discussing Fertilizer to the upcoming Game and Am I Going to watch the Game and Did I See the Game and What About That Game and there is the potential for Male Bonding going on here and I’m so uncomfortable I can’t stand it.
Luckily, just at that point, we reach the door, and he goes thru to the elevator but I take the stairs two at a time so we don’t have to repeat the entire awkward episode on the second floor. I’m Terrified.
It makes me just want to run home and watch every single old episode of Queer As Folk back to back until I forget once again that straight men still wander the earth.