The Unhealthy Cook’s Healthy Cookbook

So, I have to have something to take to work for lunch next week, because our parking lot is so over crammed that if you leave at lunchtime to indulge your fast food addiction, you will not find a parking space when you return and have to park in the overflow parking which is a mile away.  Seriously.  And we do actually have a cafeteria, but unfortunately it is very much like the grade school cafeteria I remember from fourth grade and nothing like the glorious Google cafeteria that is the stuff of legends.  So you brown bag it.

So I look in the fridge and find a bag of baby carrots that are fast drying out and turning a chalky white color.  Carrots Are Healthy.  Must Be Used.  Cut those in half and then in half again into matchsticks.  Throw them in a deep pan with a stick of butter and a little oil and a whole lot of cinnamon, because cinnamon was a healthy thing, wasn’t it?  Cover and let that steam/boil/brew for about 10 minutes.

Red Cabbage.  Anything red or purple is good for you, yes?  One fourth of that, sliced thinly.  The very last big of a celery heart that is getting pretty droopy.  Celery has something or another in it that’s supposed to be good for you, so chop that up as well.  A forgotten bag of unsalted sunflower seeds.  Those MUST be good for something, they certainly kept David Duchovny an active member of Sex Addicts Anonymous for the past 20 years.  A big handful of those.  And some garlic.  Everyone knows garlic is good for you.  And some oregano, too.  Isn’t it currently a health thing?  Throw all that in the pan with the carrots and recover and cook for five more minutes.

Black beans.  Protein.  Drain that can and let is drip dry in the strainer.  Mustard.  This salad must have a sauce of some type.  Add some balsamic vinegar to the mustard, which now ensures the salad will NOT be pretty but will have an interesting mix of tastes and textures.  Dump that in a bowl and pour in the cabbage mess and stir until well mixed.  Add a handful of that Nutritional Yeast Seasoning you bought last year that was supposed to taste like cheese and actually tastes nothing whatsoever like cheese.  Stir some more, then dump it into a plastic container and store it in the fridge to “develop the flavors”.

Eat that shit for lunch every freaking day next week.  Farty afternoons guaranteed, but then, everyone is state government is farty so who the hell cares?


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