Main – One bag of your favorite small potato (red, yellow, blue, it makes no nevermind).
Salad – Celery, Garlic Dill Pickle Spears, Capers, Yellow Onion (plenty), shredded green cabbage, thinly sliced Brussel sprouts, finely chopped broccoli, finely chopped or shredded carrot, chopped portabella mushrooms. Absolutely No Peas Ever. If you want to use peas, use some other recipe.
Sauce – Hellman’s or Duke’s Mayonnaise, horseradish mustard, lots of freshly ground black pepper, freshly chopped parsley, a little garlic powder. Some toasted sesame seeds are nice.
Extra – Pitted and sliced Kalamata olives and crumbled feta cheese, if you have no regard whatsoever for your sodium levels and your heart health.
If you don’t know how much onion you like in proportion to how much potato you like in proportion to how much pickles you like in proportion to how much you like or dislike Brussel sprouts, then you don’t deserve to eat this. Go find a recipe from one of those awful cooking blogs where they give you precise proportions that nobody ever follows and then humiliate you by commenting on how they changed your recipe to make it bearable.
One very sharp chefs knife, one large stainless steel mixing bowl, one large ceramic bowl, one large wooden mixing spoon. Also, something to boil water in that will also hold all the potatoes.
Cut up the potatoes into bite-size pieces. Nobody hates a chef more than when he gets lazy and chunks out the potatoes too large to fit into the normal mouth. Boil for 10 minutes, or until cooked but still firm and not mushy (pull one out with a spoon and check it every once in awhile, it’s not hard to do).
While the potatoes are boiling, cut up everything else into bite-size pieces. Nobody hates a chef more than when he gets lazy and chunks out everything or anything too large to fit into the normal mouth. Throw it all into the mixing bowl.
Throw the mayonnaise and all those ingredients into the mixing bowl on top of the other ingredients. Mix well with the wooden spoon. Don’t even try a table spoon, it isn’t big enough and will not work at all. Nobody hates a chef more than when she gets lazy and uses too small a spoon and loses one of her press-on nails in the salad.
Drain the potatoes. Pour them into the vegetable and dressing mixture. Stir well but gently. Fold it together, pulling your big-ass spoon up from the bottom. Nobody hates a chef more than when she gets lazy and mashes up all the damn potatoes.
Once well coated, add the olives and feta, if you’re going all out. Fold that in also; don’t screw it up now by getting in a hurry.
Move the Potato Salad Slaw from the mixing bowl into your largest ceramic bowl so it will look nice and not taste like stainless steel. Put that into the fridge for an hour at least and preferably overnight to “blend the flavors”. Serve it cold. If you made it well, people will love it. If you made it badly, it’s your own damn fault and I do not want to hear anything about it.